Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
