You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
