Too much gin, very little bucket
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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