.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
