Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
