I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
