My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
why is half of my head shaved?
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