I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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