We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
