Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
