fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
