Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
