quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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