Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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