drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
