I must be too annoying 4 u.
1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
