I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
