my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
