something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
