Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
