I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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