My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
