FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
