I wish I could teleport
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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