we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
