Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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