He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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