i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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