Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
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Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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