READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
