you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
