Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
