I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
