I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
