Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
