just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
