I can text with my tongue
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
