Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I have fence marks all over my body
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
