I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
