that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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