I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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