Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So many bounce houses so little time
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
