I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
