Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
