If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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