i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
