I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
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