my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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