that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
