the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
