I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
