somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"