my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
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You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
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also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?