Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
