i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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