TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
