have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
pray to the hookup gods
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
why is half of my head shaved?
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