Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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